The date was August 5, 2007. I was so nervous as I was getting my dress on and trying to make sure everything went exactly as I planned. Everything down to the table cloth, which was changed at the last minute on me. (I'm thankful now that they were, but at the time, I was a little peeved.) You see, I am what some would like to call a control freak. But I definitely wanted my wedding day to be perfect. Let's just say it was far from perfect. You know, though, it is not about the wedding day. It is about the days that follow. I have learned that. I still remember when I was standing in front of my soon to be husband. I was looking into his eyes when I saw the tears coming. I looked straight at him and used my teacher look and mouthed "you better stop crying right now." We still laugh at that. I knew if he started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying. I did not want to cry. And I didn't.
The days that followed were a little crazy. I had to go to work. We had to buy a new car by the end of the first week. But all in all, the first few weeks were amazing.
The next few months were a struggle. The hubs was having a hard time finding a job. I was working full time as a teacher. The drive was an hour and 20 minutes one way without traffic. We had to move closer to my job. And to top it off, I had people telling me it was ok if I left my husband. We had been married less than 6 months at this time. And one of the people telling me this was an elder at our church. I couldn't believe it. So to say the first year of our marriage was rocky is an understatement. I learned to stop talking to people about what was going on in our marriage. That was a hard lesson to learn. But I am glad I learned it early on in our marriage.
At the end of 2008, we got pregnant. I wasn't too happy. I really didn't want kids. But I knew The Hubs did and I wanted to give him a child. When I told people, I didn't get any excitement from them. We went on a mini vacation to San Antonio, TX. We had a blast. A month after we got back, we had our first doctor's appointment. We had a lot of questions. After the doctor answered our questions, she prepared me to use the doppler to hear the heart beat. She couldn't find it. She said it was normal. She excitely said that we would be able to see the baby early and use the sonogram. She then explained that sometimes it is hard to see the heartbeat this early from an abdominal sonogram so let's try from the inside. It was quite clear that the baby had no heartbeat and was no longer living. The tears began to start streaming. We took the next steps to help the baby leave the womb. I would have been 11 weeks then.
As heartbreaking as a misscarriage is, God was able to use it to bless our family. If it wasn't for the miscarriage, my desire for a child would not have been there. People say you don't know what you are missing until it is gone. How true. Three months after our miscarriage, I began to have a desire to have a child. And David reminds us in Psalm 37:4 "Delight thyself also in the Lord ; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." In May of 2009, I became pregnant again. This time was totally different. I was very excited and very nervous. We didn't want to tell anyone until we heard the heartbeat. We finally heard the heartbeat that summer. I cried again, but this time tears of joy. We began telling the world.
In August of 2009, The Hubs decided he wanted to quit playing video games. He played almost all the time, it seemed. And these were high action, adrenaline video games. He also wanted to quit drinking caffeine. He was drinking a 24 pack of high caffeine soda at least every week. He decided, with God's help, to quit both. At the same time. Cold turkey. The withdraw symptoms were horrible. He ended up in the ER. That weekend we went and spent time with a friend for her birthday. While there, he confided in the husband of the family. I was called into the conversation. The Hubs is holding my hand, with tears in his eyes. I am so confused. He can barely look at me. He then tells me that he has an addiction. I am stunned. Shocked. What? My husband? No. That's not possible. You're a Christian. You're not supposed to be into that kind of stuff. I couldn't move. Only the tears moved as they rolled down my cheeks. But I made a vow. For better or for worse. In sickness or in health. I knew God could work through this situation. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. We would get through this.
So now I had major trust issues. My self-esteem was shot. I began blaming myself. We had a lot to work through. And we have. He has trusted God to help him overcome. God has worked through me to trust him and to realize it is not my fault. God has blessed our marriage. The Hubs has overcome his addiction. I praise God for that. God has given me strength to support my husband. I couldn't have done that without the help of God.
In January of 2010, our bundle of joy was born. Little Bit was not little in any way. She was 10 pounds 9 ounces. Yes, she was born by cesarean section. So yes, my husband knows me inside and out. We have quite a long journey with Little Bit. She is special needs, which by no means makes her less than. She has taught us so many lessons. Especially on love and forgiveness. She is an amazing girl. She is a gift from God for sure.
The next few years have been a blur. We moved from Texas to Colorado to Illinois. In all of that, I have controlled the situations. I have controlled where we live, how we spend our money, what our marriage should look like. I was making almost all of the deicsions. Not because The Hubs wouldn't do it, but because I wouldn't let him. I am such a control freak. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I knew it could be better. I was wondering if I was part of the problem. I began to study marriage and the role of the husband and wife. I wanted God to be the center of our marriage and I wanted our marriage to be a Godly one. So I studied. A LOT.
After studying marriage itself, which is the post before this one, I went to Ephesians 5.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33
That word submit. I had a hard time with it. Why should I HAVE to submit? I'm not less than my husband. I'm not a slave. I'm an adult. I don't have to submit to anyone but God. When I say God spoke to me, I mean it. He lead me through these texts and showed me what they really mean. Cause the world view of submit and God's definition are soooooo different.
Submit means to place in a certain order, to appoint. To be under his responsibility. To obey.
Wives were created after man, the husband. Adam had dominion over all the animals. Eve was created after. I should obey my husband the same way i obey God, as long as The Hub is in line with what God says. It is not a matter of he says jump and I ask how high. It is not about asking for permission to do something. It is about discussion. It is about respecting my husband's position as the head of the house, head of the family. I don't ask him for permission to do things. I let him know what I want to do. If he doesn't think it is a good idea, I don't do it. But we discuss it. We make the decision together. Our communication benefits from my "submitting" to him. And he has become much stronger in leading. Because I allow him to lead. What a difference it makes.
In verse 23, we see the parallel of the church and the family. The wife is similar to the church and the husband is similar to Jesus. Jesus is the head of the church. If He is not, then there is something amiss in the church. Jesus is the foundation. He is the cornerstone because He is the "Head".
In verse 26, there are two words I want to point out. Sanctify and Cleanse. Sanctify means to dedicate and make holy. Something that has been sanctified has been made separate from profane things. And Cleanse means to free from defilement, to consecrate and to dedicate. When we wash with water in the church is a form of baptism. We die to self and are reborn when we are baptized.
So in verse 27, the church is dedicated and consecrated for God and He can present each of us without blemish.
Then in verse 33, love in this sense is agape, which is to love dearly. And reverence is struck with amazement and obedience.
So if I put this all together, I can see that the wife represents the church and the church is married to Jesus. The church is the bride. The bride is saved because of obedience to Jesus. Jesus will sanctify and cleanse the church. The church will be separate from the world and will be free from defilement. This is throuh Jesus washing the church with water, not because the church cleansed itself. The church made a choice. Jesus is also the cornerstone of the church. Without Jesus, the church would be spiritually dead. Now let's replace chuch with wife and Jesus with husband.
The wife is saved because of obedience to the husband. The husband will sanctify and clease the wife. The wife will be separate from the world and will be free from defilment. This is through the husband washing the wife through getting into the Bible. The husband should be leading daily family worship and the wife joins in. The wife made a choice. The husband is the cornerstone of the family. Without the husband, the wife would be spiritually dead.
Of course this applies to a Godly husband. He, too, is dedicated to God. He, too, has been cleansed and sanctified. This must happend first before he can be the Godly leader he was set out to be.
Since I have learned all this, our marriage has been so different. We communicate better. Things move smoothly. There is less hostility. I love my husband differently because I see him differently. I see him as the man of God he is. I have given up the control I once held in our relationship. I also allow God to lead more in my life instead of forcing my own will. This August we will have been married 10 years. Our marriage is stronger and we are more grounded in the faith. It is amazing what God can do when we do things His way.
As I have studied the marriage, we began to discuss having another child. Little Bit was 6 and we thought maybe she would be ready to have a sibling. But then we decided, as a husband and wife, that we did not want to have another child. Did we really want to start over? Would Little Bit make a good big sister? Would they even get along. We decided we wouldn't try to grow our family.
Obviously things don't always go as planned. I got pregnant in 2016. The timing was actually great because the due date was the end of May. I could finish out the school year and have the full summer to recover. We began talking about our plans for after baby. The Hubs would find a full time job and I would be a stay at home wife. I was struggling with that idea. I have never not worked. I was putting it into God's hands. I knew He would give me the strength and courage for whatever we decided to do.
We went in for our first appointment at 7 weeks along. I was so scared. I didn't want a repeat of our first pregnancy. Even though we decided we didn't want another child, I was so excited about having a child. She did a sonogram because of my history. The baby looked like Jonny 5 from Short Circuit. And the heartbeat was strong. We were 99% sure we were having a boy based on a few theories. We decided we would name him Jonathan Victor. It means God gives victory.
The next four weeks went by soooooooooo slow. It was crazy. Time has never passed by so slowly in my life before. I was still extremely nervous. Safe zone isn't until 12 weeks. I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for our next appointment.
Finally the day of the appointment came. I wasn't feeling great mentally. I was talking to doctor about how to get out of the funk. How could I be so excited, but feel that way? It didn't make sense. She said let's get some good news and hear the heartbeat. She set me up for the doppler. I was a little disappointed she was using the sonogram. I wanted to see my Jonny 5.
She was struggling to heartbeat. My heart ached.
She went to the sonogram. Something was awry. She had to send me to a specialist to be able to get a clear picture of baby.
My heart sunk.
I already knew.
Not again.
Even a I type this, tears are forming.
We had lost the baby the week prior. There was no heartbeat. I was 11 weeks along. I hate Deja vu.
The hubs met me outside the doctor's office as I was walking out. He just embraced me and I profusely appologized as if it were my fault. And he just held me and loved me.
Just like the first loss, God has taught me a lesson. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. He isn't the One who took my Jonathan. But He can use it for His purpose. He has taught me to be content with the family I have. I am happy with our little family of 3. I don't need another child to feel complete. I need another child to feel more like a woman. Those feelings were strong before my pregnancy. God has laid to rest those feelings of unworthiness because we didn't have more than one child.
We have had an amazing journey in our marriage of almost 10 years. But God has been there every step of the way. He is holding us up with His righteous right hand. He's got us etched in the palm of His hand. We are learning to trust Him more and more each day. But this is only possible By God's Amazing Grace.
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