My kids at school were testing the past two days. In years past I have always been a nervous wreck on the day of the math test. But this year I have been very, let's say, unstressed. It's weird. It's abnormal. But I like it. Not worrying literally takes a load off my mind and my body.
So what's the difference? I have come to a realization recently that has helped me to understand and accept that I can only control so much. I can do everything in my power to prepare the kids for their test. I can teach them what they need to know. I can teach them everything in the curriculum. But I can only do so much. It is like the saying goes, "I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make him drink." I can teach them, give them the information, but I can't make them learn. They have to make that decision for themselves. They have to decide to apply what they have learned. They have to decide to truly understand the information. I can only do so much. When it comes time for them to share their knowledge through a test, it is up to them, not me. They now have the power. They now have the control. It is out of my hands. So why should I be stressed? Why should I be worried? I shouldn't. There is no need. I shouldn't work myself up over something that is out of my control.
So, yes, I was stress-free on testing day. I enjoyed the beautiful rainy day as I strolled through the classroom actively monitoring the students. A no worry carefree day.
But I can apply that to more than just my students testing. I can apply it to my whole life. There are many things I have absolutely no control over. Yet, I try to have that control by worrying. I make myself believe I can change things by worrying about them. And there is nothing that will change or be fixed by worrying about it. Absolutely nothing. Yet, I do it all the time. But why?
I honestly believe that I like to have control over situations because if they go wrong, I can take all the blame. It will be all my fault. I will be the guilty one. I take control expecting failures so I can beat myself up over it. I have another reason to say I'm not good enough. I have another reason to say I am unworthy. If someone else has control, then how can it be my fault and how can I take blame?
For this reason, I need to learn how to let go and let God. He is the only one that has control over situations. He is the only one that has the solutions and can fix the problems. So why do I try to play God in certain aspects of my life instead of letting God be God over my whole life? Good question. I need to stop trying to do His job. Last time I checked, He had everything under control and is doing a better job than I could even dream of doing. I need to give the control back to Him. It wasn't mine in the first place to take. So I need to give it back. I know it will not be easy.
Little Bit absolutely loves bananas. Anytime she sees one, or even hears one being opened, she immediately asks for one. If I ask for a bite, she will tell me no and hold the banana very close to her body. She is very protective of her bananas. But if I have to take the banana for any reason (she has to go potty, not sitting while eating...), I have to practically fight her for the banana. We usually end up with squished banana all over her, me, the floor, the ceiling...okay, maybe not the ceiling, but you get the point. I am like that with control. Once I've got it, I don't want to let it go. I want to keep it for myself. I don't want to share it and I don't want to give it back. But I know I need to. I need to relinquish control. I need to give it up. And not reluctantly or begrudgingly. I don't want squished control on my ceiling. So, I know it is going to be a process. But I also know that it is possible only By God's Amazing Grace.
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